The Boosh is Loose
by WearerOfCapes
Summary: When a strange man in a bow tie and two of his friends appear at Nabootique, at first nothing seems out of the ordinary. But then Howard and Vince are introduced to the Tardis, and things get a bit odd... T for language and possible fluff/slash later on.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Ooh, I'm excited! My first ever crossover! I hope it's up to the standard of the ones I've been reading lately, because they were epic, but even if it's not, I tried! Hopefully everyone is in character and stuff, but I'll leave that up to you to decide. Enjoy it! :)**

**Disclaimer: I do not own the Mighty Boosh, or Doctor Who. I don't own anything. Not even my own brain; I stole that from a bloke I met in London a couple of weeks ago...**

Chapter one

The Tardis was making a weird noise. Again. In fact, it was getting weirder by the second. It sounded like a wheezing robot at first, then a howling dog, then a shrilly screaming cat.

"Doctor, what is going on?" Amy shouted over the noise. She was clinging to Rory with one hand and the railings with the other. Rory looked just as worried as she sounded. The doctor, on the other hand, was in his element, running around the centre panel pressing buttons and pushing oddly shaped levers.

"I have no idea!" he shouted in reply. Suddenly, the screaming noise increasing in volume and pitch, and part of the control panel exploded into flames. The doctor leapt backwards, nearly setting fire to his bow tie, and fell over.

"Not good! Not good at all!" he said very loudly. He got up and began to run around in a panic, as Amy and Rory cowered in a corner. The sound stopped suddenly. The fire burnt out. The engines faded and what sounded like a death toll was heard. And the Tardis began to drop…

* * *

><p>"Howard? You seen my silver boots?" Vince was standing in front of his wardrobe staring at the contents.<p>

"No. Where did you last have them?" Howard said from his place under the pillow where _he_ was the one trying to sleep off a blinder for once.

"Umm… I think at Leroy's party. Oh, shit! What if I left them at Leroy's?"

"Well, you could just go and fetch them."

"No, I can't! Leroy's moving to Kensington today, the posh dick."

"Oh. Well, can't you give him a call?"

"Yeah!" Vince perked up immediately. "I'll try it now." He took out his phone and dialled Leroy's number. But ten attempts later, he shouted:

"Aaargh! The prick won't answer!" He flung himself down on his bed in a loud strop, reminding Howard that he _really_ shouldn't have had those last three pints. But Vince suddenly stood up and said:

"Don't worry, Howard, they're down the end of the bed. I must have chucked them there when we got home last night. Never mind." Howard groaned. His patience was being tested by the electro poof yet again. But he couldn't help but smile when Vince sat down on the end of his bed and said:

"Isn't this meant to be the other way around?"

"Yeah. Probably." He sat up slowly and winced as his head exploded with pain. He saw Vince looking at him in concern.

"Howard? You alright, Howard?"

"Yeah, just great. How did this even happen? I never get drunk."

"I know. And I never _don't_. I don't get it."

"No. Urgh." Howard slumped back down onto the pillows.

"Do you want me to do anything for you, Howard?" Vince murmured, close to him.

"Cup of tea would be nice." He closed his weary eyes and sighed, but smiled. He quite liked having Vince looking after him. Until, that is, Vince walked back in with the tea, fell over the boots he had discarded by the door, and spilled lukewarm tea all over him. He gave up and got up a few minutes later. It wasn't worth the effort of trying to be patient with Vince.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, the doctor was rushing around, still panicking, trying to find something, <em>anything<em> that was still working in the Tardis. He pulled every lever in the place, pushed every button, hit every surface as he rushed around. But if anything, their situation seemed to get worse. They fell faster and faster, being thrown around the main room of the Tardis. And then Rory just happened to fall on a small red lever. It moved three point seven inches precisely, and everything stopped. The dropping sensation stopped, and there was a small bump as the Tardis hit something hard, like ground.

"Ah." The doctor said. "We seem to have landed. Well done, Rory." Amy, who hadn't witnessed the small miracle, stood up with a bemused look on her face. Rory stood up too, and said:

"Thanks. Although, to be honest, I didn't do it deliberately."

"Oh, well, never mind then. Come on; let's go see where we are." He opened the door of the Tardis and looked out. Then he very quickly shut the door and stood in front of it.

"Doctor?" Amy said. "What's going on?"

"I'm not sure, but I doubt you'll want to go out there."

"Why, what's wrong with it? Where are we?"

"It doesn't matter. Now, let's go." He started to set coordinates for a distant planet. Or he tried to, anyway. The controls were still unresponsive.

"Damn!" he shouted, making Amy and Rory jump. "She's in sleep mode. We'll have to go out there, get some help." Amy immediately took this as permission to open the doors and look out in triumph. But then she sighed.

"Doctor, it's a street."

"Yes."

"So why were you making out it was so dangerous?"

"I wasn't, I was saying we shouldn't go there, because it's boring. And it is. I mean, you live on Earth! Why do you need to keep coming back?"

"Hold on. This is earth?"

"Yes. London to be precise."

"What bit of London?" Rory piped up.

"Hmm… Camden, Shoreditch, that kind of area."

"Well, it shouldn't be too hard to find help then, should it?"

"No. But I warn you now; I'm not going to ask at any place that looks boring."

"Fine. Just get out there, doctor, or I'll set my plastic nearly human husband on you." Amy threatened jokingly.

"I'm going, I'm going." He raised his hands and walked out, followed by a laughing Amy and a slightly vexed looking Rory.

* * *

><p>"Look, Howard, you aren't looking very good. Maybe you should let me open up today?" Vince stood in front of Howard, who was sitting on the sofa with a cup of tea. He did look pale and wan, but he had a look of determination on his face that Vince had come to know. It was a look that he got when he was unsure, but truly wanted to do the right thing. He got that look a lot when he was dealing with Vince.<p>

"No, Vince. I'll open up. Just… you know, if I get worse… cover for me?"

"Course I will. Now come on, get your jazzy arse downstairs. We got work to do." Howard raised his eyebrows at the reversal of roles taking place today. Normally he had to cajole Vince into working. Now it seemed that he couldn't be keener. But he got up and followed his friend down the stairs, asking:

"Why are you so keen to work today?"

"Well, Naboo keeps telling me off for not working hard enough. And anyway, I got a good feeling about today. I think something's gonna happen."

"Well, so long as it's something good." He opened the blinds on the door and jumped back at the sight of a gangly man in braces and a bow tie, a fairly ordinary looking blond bloke, and a red haired woman standing on the step.

"Can we come in?" the gangly man mouthed.

"Five minutes." Howard mouthed back. The gangly man made a pleading gesture. Howard rolled his eyes and opened the door.

"Hello." Said the gangly man. "I'm the doctor. Do you have a spanner?"

**The daleks are going to exterminate me. My dying wish is a review. Pleeease?**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: So... Our five heroes/heroines have met. But what happens next? Read on, my friend, read on...**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it. All I own is the plot and the planet name, although since the planet name was my nan's suggestion, I guess I don't own that either. :(**

Chapter two

"Doctor, explain this to me again?" Howard said. "Who are you?"

"I'm a time lord. I own a blue box which takes me places, but she's broken, and I need a hand, several hands in fact, to get her going again. Are you willing?" They stood in the shop, the doctor leaning on the wall, Amy and Rory hovering in the doorway, Vince sitting on the counter swinging his legs, and Howard standing next to him. He stood closer than usual, wary of the strangers and their tales.

"Ah, come on Howard." Vince said with a grin. "That'll be great. We'd be brilliant at fixing blue time travelling boxes."

"How do you know? You haven't fixed anything in your life." Vince's face dropped.

"Oh yeah." He perked up suddenly, and said: "First time for everything though, right?" Howard rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Yeah. There is." He paused for a moment, eyeing the ever-patient doctor. Then he relented. "Fine. We'll come and help you."

"That's great!" the doctor clasped his hands together and smiled. "Shall we go?"

"Hang on!" said Vince. "I still ain't got my boots on!" Howard face-palmed, before shoving Vince up the stairs to get his boots. When he had put them on, they went out, Howard locked up, and they walked towards the Tardis, standing on the corner.

"Bloody hell…" Vince stood in the Tardis, looking around in awe. His eyes were wide as saucers. "It's bigger on the inside!" he gasped. The doctor grinned.

"Yes it is. However, that isn't helpful when trying to travel. So we had better get down to things." He threw the spanner Howard had lent him up in the air and caught it. Speaking of Howard, he was standing just inside the doorway, just as speechless as Vince. Amy laughed at the look on his face, and waved a hand in front of his eyes. Howard jumped back to reality and said:

"Oh. Sorry. This is… just amazing."

"I know. You should have seen Rory the first time he came in here. He was just the same."

"Rory your… husband?"

"Yeah. He's not the new boy anymore, at least."

"No. but we aren't planning on staying so… he will be soon. Sorry." He called to Rory, who was holding up a section of wires for the doctor so he could climb underneath to a small brown box full of fuses.

"Fuses, doctor?" Rory said. "In a Tardis?"

"Yeah? So what?"

"Nothing. Just… seemed too ordinary for you."

"I didn't design her. She works her own way."

"She?" Vince asked.

"Yeah. She turned into a woman once. A very attractive woman, might I add."

"Cool." He grinned. Howard rolled his eyes. Vince's obsession with women wore thin after a while. Not that he'd ever really been as successful with them as he liked to claim. He'd had a few long term girlfriends, but they'd all been cruel enough to Howard to make Vince dump them. Howard was pleased that Vince valued him more than them, but it always saddened him to see him moping around the flat for the week after it had happened. He was jerked out of his reverie by a loud bang as the doctor severed all of the fuses at once. There were a few sparks, and a loud humming started up.

"Ah ha! Yes! This is good." The doctor stood up, rubbing his hands together in glee.

"What are you doing?" Vince asked. The doctor turned to him and gabbled:

"Manual override system. If I can get the panel off where all the older controls are, I can probably get her going, but this is what I needed your help for, because I think it'll take at least four people to get the panel off, it's about the same size as your shop." He looked at Vince for a second, and then leapt over the railings to the lower floor of the main deck. Vince shook his head, and said:

"No. I didn't understand that at all." He followed the doctor down, taking the more sensible route of the stairs. The doctor pointed to a huge square panel near the corner and replied:

"Just take hold of that corner, and I'll show you." Vince did as he was told, and the doctor called the others down. They all took a corner, Amy and Rory climbing stepladders to reach the top, apart from the doctor, who positioned himself at a small latch near the bottom.

"Right," he said, "When I sonic this, you'll have ten seconds to get it open, otherwise there's a distinct possibility it will explode in our faces. The system's very secure."

"Oh. Good to know you're willing to kill us for the Tardis, doctor." Rory complained.

"Yep." The doctor replied cheerily. "Right. Three… two… one… Now!" the sound of a sonic screwdriver filled the air and all four pulled with all their strength. For a moment, it stuck, metal grinding against metal. But it suddenly came free, and they darted out of the way as it slowly fell, ending its downward journey with a loud, low, clang.

"Fab. Thanks a lot. You can stay for a bit, if you want. Go and explore. Just don't get lost." Vince and Howard looked at one another as the doctor studied the rusty old levers carefully.

"Just how big is this place?" Howard asked cautiously.

"As big as you want it to be." The doctor's eyes lit up in a smile. Vince grinned at Howard, and said:

"We are so going to look around. C'mon Howard."

"What if we do get lost?"

"We won't Howard. Stop worrying. Please?" He pulled a pleading face, and Howard couldn't resist the puppy-dog eyes.

"Oh, fine. Come on. But if we get lost, I'll hold you personally responsible."

"Fair enough." He set off up the stairs, Howard close behind him. They found a doorway almost immediately, and went through it. It led to a bright corridor with doors every few metres. Vince peered into them all, pulling a face and closing them soon afterwards. All except the last one. He opened the door with a flourish, then gasped. He stood motionless in the doorway.

"Vince?" Howard said. "Little man? What's up?"

"Just come in here." Vince whispered. Howard did so, and also found himself speechless. There wasn't much 'in' about it. It was a balcony, made of white marble with ornate balustrades. And the view… the view was close to indescribable. It was beautiful. It was London, clearly, but as they'd never seen it before. It was clean, pure, and they were higher up than they'd ever been before, higher than any building. Vince was the first to regain his composure, and he crossed to the railing, leaning over to look into the distance, a smile on his face. Howard joined him a few seconds later, and whispered:

"Be careful. Don't fall."

"I don't think I can." Vince replied. "We're still in the Tardis, ain't we?"

"Yeah. Probably." He put his hand on the railing, trying not to show how much he was shaking. But Vince saw. He put his hand on Howard's. He was shocked for a second, but merely looked at Vince. Vince said:

"You're scared of heights, aren't you?" Howard merely nodded. "Alright. Let's get out of here." He let go of the railing and led Howard out of the room. But beyond the door was only darkness. Vince grabbed Howard's hand again immediately.

"What's wrong, little man?" Howard asked.

"I'm scared of the dark." Vince whispered.

"Okay."

"Howard?"

"Yeah?"

"Where do we go?"

"I don't know. Back the way we came, I guess."

"Yeah. Can we go? Now?"

"Yeah." However, it wasn't that simple. With the darkness, which they assumed was a power cut, they didn't know which way to go. They set off in a random direction, and hoped for the best. But after half an hour, they accepted that they were totally, hopelessly lost. By now they had entered a large room devoid of anything but an odd, dim orange glow, like the broken streetlight across the road from Nabootique. Vince let go of Howard and sat down on the floor with his back against the wall.

"I don't like it here." He muttered.

"Me neither." Howard sat down to him. "But it's gonna be okay. We're gonna get back. The doctor'll realise we're gone. Anyway, it's only been half an hour."

"It feels like years."

"Come on, Vince." Howard put his hand on the smaller man's shoulder. "You're the sunshine kid. You're always happy. Smile." Vince tried, but it faded fast.

"I can't." he whispered.

"It's alright. Come on, we're gonna keep going. We'll find our way."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah." Howard lied. "We'll be great. Let's go." He got up and helped Vince up too. They carried on, trying to find the main room of the Tardis, looking for the way home.

* * *

><p>It was two hours later when Vince and Howard finally emerged from the labyrinth of corridors, still holding hands. The doctor turned to them in surprise.<p>

"Oh. Hello. I thought you two had finished and gone home."

"Well, no. We got lost in your spaceship." Howard said.

"Time machine." The doctor corrected. "But I apologise. She likes to rearrange herself a bit."

"We went in a room, and when we came out, it was dark." Vince said.

"Same thing happened to us when we first came here." Amy piped up, noting that they were still holding hands, even though they were now safe. Vince followed the direction she was looking, then quickly snatched his hand away, clearing his throat embarrassedly. Howard looked away into the middle distance, blood rising to his face. There was a long and awkward silence, until Vince finally said:

"So, can we go home now?"

"Ah." The doctor looked around the Tardis. "Well, that could be an issue."

"Why's that, sir?" Howard asked.

"Not sir, if you please."

"Sorry."

"It's an issue because… we aren't exactly in London anymore."

"Where are we then?" Vince asked.

"Well… I think we're fairly close to the Andromeda Galaxy."

"What?" Howard looked astounded.

"Where's that?" Vince asked innocently.

"Millions of light-years away!" Howard said. "You left Camden behind?"

"Yes. I told you, I thought you'd already gone."

"Well, now we're stuck with you!"

"Yep. It's alright, I'm not too annoying, although with those two-" He pointed at Amy and Rory "-You can take your chances." Rory frowned and Amy rolled her eyes, but said nothing. They were used to the doctor's teasing.

"Hang on, hang on." Vince said, just catching up. "Howard? He's got a time machine that can take you anywhere, and you're worried about going home?"

"Yes! We have a shop to run, sir!"

"I don't care."

"You should care, Naboo entrusted us to care for it."

"Stuff Naboo. Doctor?"

"Yes?" The doctor was hovering over the control panel, about to put in coordinates.

"Can you take us to a different planet?"

"If that's what you want."

"Yeah, that'd be genius!"

"Alright." He typed in some coordinates, and they Tardis began to rock and sway. "Always nice to have new assistants." He said.

"Assistants?" Vince asked.

"Yes. I always have assistants. What do you think Amy and Rory are?"

"I'm no one's assistants. I have to stand out, be on my own. Apart from Howard, obviously."

"Well, your choice. But you're my assistant in my head."

"Doctor, where are we actually going?" Howard asked.

"You'll see. It'll only be a few minutes, and I'll show you." He was right. They landed on solid ground after precisely three and a half minutes.

"Is this it?" Vince asked, his eyes lit up with glee and excitement.

"It certainly is." The doctor flung open the doors of the Tardis and turned to them. "Welcome to the planet of Tribula!"

**Oh, no! It's the cybermen this time! Dear me, these creatures are annoying. But if you review, they may go away?**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: I haven't updated this for ages, so I'm sorry about that. The slash is just beginning to show itself now, but only a tiny bit. It was incredibly easy to write compared to the first two chapters, so I'm not sure whether that's a good thing or not. But anyway, I hope you like it. :)**

**Disclaimer: Of course don't I own the BBC and all their programmes. If I did, I wouldn't need to be here writing this, I'd be in London making it!**

They traipsed out of the Tardis one by one, silent as their eyes took in the scene around them. The ground was dry and dusty, a deep brown colour like oak wood. The breeze blew some of the dust into Vince's eyes and he squeezed them shut. The sun was warm, like a British summer, but not too hot. And in the distance were buildings, clustered together in a large group.

"Ah," the doctor said, "Civilisation. The last time I was here, we were still at the primordial sloop stage. It's certainly been a while."

"What are they called?" Howard asked.

"What do you mean?"

"The people. What race are they?"

"They're called the Tribulions. They have a history, I suppose, but they're a pretty peaceful race. Very fast, I seem to remember. Could run like a cheetah with the wind behind it."

"Oh. Is that good?"

"Depends whether you're running from them. You won't need to, I promise."

"Good."

"Anyway, come on, gang. We've got a city to explore! Or a town, at least." The doctor began to make his way to the city, with the others left to trail behind him. It was a fairly long walk, and they began to get hot. Only Vince refused to remove his Punk jacket.

"No way!" He said. "If I take the jacket off, I'm wearing all white. It washes me out. That's the whole reason I'm wearing it, cause it's black. It's all about contrast."

"Is fashion all you can think about?" Howard grumbled.

"No. I think about… people… sometimes."

"Oh, really." Vince stopped in front of Howard with his arms outstretched.

"Look, Howard-" He broke off as Amy stepped up behind him and tugged the jacket off.

"Here." She said, dangling it from her finger. "Carry it." Vince took the jacket, looked at her in shock, and walked onwards as Howard and Rory tried not to laugh. The doctor was entirely oblivious, still walking along in front, swinging his sonic screwdriver around.

"What's he doing?" Vince asked.

"Oh, he's always like that." Amy replied. "It's best to just ignore him."

"Oh. Cool." Suddenly, the doctor stopped and turned to look at them.

"Alright, you lot, halt there. We have an issue, and it's one I'm very keen to check out. The screwdriver can't find any signs of life. That isn't good. That means that the Tribulions, at least in this town, are all dead. I want to know what's caused it, and you lot are going to help. So. Split up. Amy and Vince, you go east. Howard and Rory, you go west. And I'll go into the town and see what I can find."

"What?" Howard asked in bemusement. "Hang on, it shouldn't work like that! I should be with Vince, surely? I mean, he's my mate."

"Oh, come on, be a sport. You're meant to be getting to know new people. And anyway, you and Rory, two extremely awkward blokes who love someone a bit more than they're loved back, you'll get along perfectly."

"Yeah, right. Hold on, what?"

"Just get going." Howard rolled his eyes and walked off, followed by a confused Rory. Amy shook her head and walked off the other way, dragging Vince by the arm. And the doctor span on his heel to face the city, before walking off to decipher its puzzles.

Vince sloped along through the dust like a vaguely fashionable but grumpy teenager. Amy was leading the way, her trainers leaving a fresh trail which he looked down at. He'd rather be with Howard. Howard was his best mate, and he didn't care about all Vince's weird little imperfections, and he knew when to stop arguing with him. He had a feeling that Amy was not the sort of person to ever lose an argument.

"So." He said.

"So what?" she replied, slowing down to let him catch up with her.

"How long have you been with the doctor?"

"About a year. Maybe eighteen months. Why do you ask?"

"I dunno. You just seemed experienced."

"Right. How long have you been with your friend?"

"Howard? I've known him for ages." He paused as his brain cell studied the double meaning of the question. "Hold on. We aren't together, you know."

"Oh. I thought you were." Vince's eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped open. He was about to say something when a shadow dropped over them. They turned around, expecting to see one of the others, maybe a Tribulion. But there was no way this thing could move fast. It looked like a large blob of gunk, a bit like Charlie. Apart from the fact that it was oozing, and murky green, and had tiny arms and legs poking out of the mass that formed its body. Vince and Amy recoiled in disgust as a voice as disgusting as its face came from a mouth wide enough to fit a dinner plate in sideways.

"Who are you? Intruders! Give your details!" It barked

"More importantly, who are you?" Amy said, standing with her hands on her hips.

"No. That is not important. You will come with me." It grabbed them each by their arms and dragged them off.

"Oi!" Vince shouted. "You're gettin' slime on my shirt!"

"Silence! You will not address me thus!"

"We'll do what we bloody like! Get off me!" The creature didn't answer, only dragged them back towards the city. It ignored their complaints and struggles. They were taken towards the centre of the city and down a set of unused, crumbling old steps leading down into the ground. It was dark, damp, and cool down here. There were cells lining the walls of a large chamber, and they were put into adjacent ones. The doors slammed and they were left there in the musty gloom. Vince sat down on the floor against the back wall and put his head in his hands.

"Tell me," he said in a muffled voice, "What just happened?"

"We got kidnapped by an alien. Fairly regular occurrence around here." Amy replied.

"Great." They were silent for a bit, then Vince said:

"What do we do?"

"The doctor generally finds out. And then he'll come get us. Hopefully."

"Oh. How long will he be?"

"No idea."

"Oh."

"Listen, you know what you said earlier? About Howard?"

"What, that we're not together?"

"Yeah. You know, you should tell him."

"Tell him what?"

"How you feel."

"I do _not_ fancy him!"

"Oh, you so do. He likes you as well, you know."

"What?"

"Oh yeah. I can see it in both your eyes. I mean, your eyes light up when I mention him. You look at him the way Rory looks at me. Even the doctor saw it, and he's pretty much clueless. Howard kept holding your hand for quite a while after you were safe back on the Tardis. He wanted to stay with you. Face it, you two are in love, big time." Vince looked up.

"I guess you're right." He took a deep breath and continued. "I guess I always have loved him."

"See? You just have to admit it."

"Yeah. Thanks."

"My pleasure." There was silence for a while, apart from the slow gentle dripping of the ceiling.

"Amy?"

"Yeah?"

"Have you got a hairpin or anything?"

"Why?"

"We could pick the locks. That's how they do it in films."

"Yeah, well, it doesn't work. I think you need something thinner."

"What like… a safety pin?"

"Yeah, that'd do, if we had one."

"I think you're forgettin' my jacket. It's _full_ of safety pins." Vince extracted one and opened it as far he could, before proceeding to try to pick the lock. After ten minutes, there was a miniscule click, and he pushed the cell door open. He crept out and picked Amy's cell too. After a while, they were both free, and Vince picked up his jacket, replaced the safety pin, and they ran up the stairs into the dusty city.

**Thanks for reading! Reviews are hotter than the cinnamon challenge :P**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: It has been AGES since I updated this! So to anyone who has been waiting, I'm really sorry. But I've finally got round to uploading, and I have plenty of ideas for the rest. Its just a matter of finding the time in my exam week :/ Anyway, hope you enjoy it ^_^**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, my friends.**

Meanwhile, Rory and Howard were kicking through the dust in awkward silence. Rory's mind was on Amy; whether she was alright with that odd punk friend of Howard's. He knew he didn't need to worry though. Amy could take care of herself. Howard, on the other hand, was thinking of Vince. Amy seemed a little bit scary, and Vince wasn't used to being bossed around. Well, not by a woman. Howard realised that he did it all the time. A mini guilt trip set upon him, and he sighed. He turned to Rory and said:

"D'you think they're alright?"

"Sorry?" Rory turned swiftly to face him.

"Y'know, Amy and Vince. D'you think they're okay?"

"Oh. Yeah, I'm sure they'll be fine. I mean, Amy's pretty good in a crisis. She's been with the doctor longer than me as well. What about Vince?"

"I dunno. He's a bit useless really. He likes clothes, and parties and music. He's never really done much." Oh, yeah? His internal monologue said. What about the time he saved you from monkey hell? Or when he helped sort things out with the Hitcher? Or rescued you from Old Gregg?

"Actually," he corrected, "He's not too bad. I mean, he's helped me out a time or two."

"Oh, well that's good." The silence continued for a few more minutes. Then Rory said: "So… what do you do in the real world?"

"Me and Vince are shopkeepers. You were in the doorstep of the shop earlier. We weren't just random customers."

"Oh yeah. What was the place called again?"

"Nabootique. Our friend owns it. He's a shaman."

"…Right."

"So, what about you? What do you do?"

"Oh, I'm a nurse."

"Nurse?" Howard nodded. "So you aren't bad in a crisis either."

"Guess not. Are _you_ any good in a crisis?"

"I doubt it. It's always Vince who has to come in and save the day."

"You talk about him a lot, don't you?" Howard blushed.

"Um… Well, he's my best friend."

"Oh. Are you sure that's all it is?" Silence descended for another few seconds. Then, quietly, Howard said:

"No."

"Well, what is it then?" Rory's concerned nurse expression graced his face, reassuring Howard somewhat.

"I'm not sure. But I love him. He's just… right."

"I know what you mean." Howard looked at him bemusedly. "No, no, not Vince! I mean Amy. That's how I feel about her."

"Right. Thing is, Amy's right for you too. Vince thinks I'm totally wrong. I'm a jazzy freak with no friends."

"Then what's Vince? Just because you love him, doesn't mean he isn't your friend. And anyway, I can tell… certain things." Howard frowned.

"What things?"

"Vince loves you back. He's as smitten as you; it's in both your eyes. But maybe don't obsess over it too much. The doctor likes to tease."

"Thanks for the warning." Howard said sarcastically. But then, more sincerely, he said: "Thanks for making me realise."

"My pleasure."

"By the way. Where is the doctor?"

"Good question. I'm not sure."

The doctor was, in fact, creeping around the city with his sonic screwdriver held aloft, searching for any signs of abnormal activity. Not counting the peculiar couple from Camden. Howard and Vince confused him slightly. He hadn't encountered humans as odd as that for a good hundred or so years, and he wanted to keep an eye on them. The shiny one looked as though he could get into trouble. But then, so did the jazzy one. They were an accident waiting to happen, especially at the moment. Who would have known that they were… that way inclined? Still, he thought, each to their own. He shook his head rounded a corner. He blinked once, then backed up out of the way. A large slimy specimen sat with its back to him. He directed the sonic screwdriver at it, then held it to his ear.

"Oh, hello." He murmured. "The Quarks. Haven't seen you before, except in books. Robotic innards, first colony created by a Martian scientist in the fiftieth century. Multiplied and started rewiring yourselves, modelling yourselves on the Vogons from the hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy. Named yourselves after the tiny little things inside a proton in an atom. Oh, you lot are smart. You don't look it, but you are _smart_. I need to find the others before you catch them. However. My sonic screwdriver is very effective, and you have robotic guts. So." He twisted the screwdriver, adjusting the setting, and zapped the grumbling, gurgling thing. There was a minute electronic click, and the Quark exploded. The doctor ducked to avoid being splattered, but the green goo hit two figures who had been approaching from the opposite direction. Two rather feminine screams emanated from them, and Vince and Amy began to complain copiously, until the doctor shushed them.

"Look, where are the others?" he said urgently.

"We don't know; somewhere outside the city, we think." Vince said.

"Yeah, and that's where we were until one of those things kidnapped us." Amy said indignantly.

"What? A Quark kidnapped you?"

"Yeah, they chucked us in these mucky little cells. Look, I've ruined my white jeans." Vince demonstrated the stains on his legs, but the doctor wasn't paying attention.

"They're going to do what they did before." He muttered.

"What did they do before?" Amy asked.

"They knew that a Quark, if their temperature was raised enough, would short-circuit and cease to function. That got them wondering; what happens to other species. So they started an experiment to see what happened to different races when they were, basically, cooked. As far as I know, they never got round to humans last time. But I bet that's what they did to the Tribulions, what they were going to do to you, and it's what they'll do to us if they find us."

"Why did they need the whole Tribulion race?" Amy asked.

"Reliability of results, I suppose. The more you repeat an experiment, the more reliable your findings are." The doctor said bleakly.

"Is anyone else thinking what I'm thinking?" Vince asked.

"Not sure. Are you thinking we should go find Howard and Rory?" The doctor said.

"Yes."

"In that case, yes, we are. Come on. Your love lives may depend on it!" He ran off towards the outskirts of the city, leaving Amy and Vince hiding their blushes in the dust cloud he kicked up.

When they found Rory and Howard, there was good news and bad news. The good news was that they were only five minutes away, and in one piece. The bad news was that they had been cornered by a Quark, and were fighting it off with a plank of rotting old wood they had found nearer the city walls. They were getting closer and closer to the walls, advancing backwards with sincerely worried looks on their faces. The doctor shouted:

"Oi, ugly!" The Quark turned to him, and he motioned for Howard and Rory to move. They dashed to the side. The Quark noticed their movement and turned back, but it was too late. The doctor pointed his screwdriver. The Quark clicked, then exploded. The resulting goo created a large sticky puddle which they avoided carefully as they regrouped.

"You know what?" Rory said. "I'm beginning to wonder when exactly the universe is going to run out of homicidal aliens to throw at us."

"Given that the universe is infinite, I'd say it won't. Sorry Rory." The doctor patted him on the back.

"So, what do we do now?" Amy asked.

"We go back into the city, and we find their centre of operations, and we rid them of it. Easy."

"If only." Rory sighed.

"What's the risk level?" Howard asked warily, discreetly taking hold of Vince's hand. Vince looked up and smiled, but the doctor's next words wiped the grin from his face.

"The risk level is… so high you can't see it. There's a high probability we'll be subjects of the experiments. I'm sorry for dragging you into this. But we have to stop them, or they'll get too curious. They'll start on whole planets. Whole galaxies. And if it's a choice between that and dying, I'll take death every time." There was silence as they realised their duties and walked slowly towards the city.

**Aaargh, yet another pessimistic ending. Sorry 'bout that. Anyway, reviews are more awesome than... stuff. Yeah, I'm running out of analogies. Never mind. Much love x**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: I am very sorry for having abandoned this story for so long. And also that I left you on a bit of a cliffhanger. It was rude of me. Anyway, all will be revealed and resolved. Well, almost everything. Most things. I hope you enjoy it :)**

**Disclaimer: I am not Steven Moffat or Noel Fielding or Julian Barratt, so I don't own anything I'm writing about.**

Vince and Howard kept their fingers entwined as they walked in silence behind the doctor. Vince didn't like the way the doctor was talking. He'd always been an optimist himself, and he didn't see why this weird, unfashionable man couldn't see a good side, or at the very least lie and tell them it was okay. He was used to people doing that to him, but he didn't mind. It made him feel better. Now, it felt like his stomach was being twisted into huge knots. He knew Howard was worried too, from his silence and the tightness of his hand in Vince's. He tried not to think about it, but striding through the dust, it was all he could do. He imagined dying. He'd been to limbo before, of course. It wasn't all that bad. But death itself… he couldn't think what it would be like. He pulled on Howard's hand gently. Howard turned to look at him.

"What's up, little man?" He asked.

"Howard, what's it like to die?"

"To die? I… I dunno."

"But you died that time when you were dressed as Bollo."

"Yeah, but that was just Death taking me away, instead of me actually being truly dead. That's why I had to go to limbo."

"Oh. D'you think… D'you think it hurts?"

"I don't know, Vince. I'm sorry."

"What about the doctor? Will he know?"

"Maybe."

"Doctor?" Vince called. The doctor spun around and stopped to speak to them.

"Yes?" he said.

"Have you ever died?"

"I suppose so. In a way."

"What's it like? Does it hurt?" The doctor hesitated for a moment, and Vince thought he saw a flash of something in his eyes. Like he was someone else.

"It does hurt, for a moment. Then all the pain goes away and you're just floating. Everything's calm, and then… Then I don't know."

"Oh. Okay. Thanks." They carried on walking, Amy and Rory finally catching up with them as they passed into the city.

The doctor asked Amy and Vince to take the lead so that they could take them to the cells. They found the staircase and tiptoed down it, but the doctor told them to stop at the bottom. He began to whisper instructions to them:

"I'm going to lead the way. If we see any Quarks, I'll kill them. We have to get to their heating device and destroy it, then find the control room and do the same to that. There's a good chance that at least one of us will get caught and overpowered. I want that to be me, if anyone. If they catch me, I'm entrusting the screwdriver to Amy. You know what to do with it?" Amy nodded. "Good. I'll lead the way. Come on." They headed forward along the corridor, past the cells where Vince and Amy had been incarcerated. When they reached the first junction, they encountered a Quark. The doctor levelled the sonic screwdriver at it, but a voice behind him said:

"Shoot, and you will be incinerated." He turned around. There were Quarks blocking all four corridors leading away. Vince shrank into Howard's side and Amy grabbed Rory's hand. The doctor simply twirled the screwdriver in his fingers.

"So." He said nonchalantly. "You've got us surrounded. How wonderfully cliché. And what did you say you'd do to us? Incinerate us? Well, that's what I was expecting. You've incinerated a lot of people before, haven't you? Is that what happened to the Tribulions?" the Quarks were silent. "Well? Is it?"

"They were essential to our sample group."

"What, all of them? Come on! This is genocide! You are killing entire races for the sake of scientific curiosity!"

"We will do the same to you."

"Oh, yeah? Not on my watch." He suddenly aimed the screwdriver at the Quark to whom he had been talking, short-circuiting it. However, the other Quarks immediately closed in, barking:

"Destructive weapon detected. Owner and accomplices will be incinerated." One took the sonic screwdriver and flung it through the bars of a nearby cell. Howard and Vince tried to run, but they were restrained by a Quark. Another took Amy and Rory, whilst the one who had taken the screwdriver grabbed the doctor. They struggled for all they were worth, but they were dragged towards a large metal door. It opened as they got close, and the Quarks deposited them inside before slamming the door again. Just as the door was closing, Vince caught sight of a rather smaller Quark outside. He told Howard this, and Howard said:

"Just as keen to see us killed, I should think."

"What is this place?" Amy wondered.

"It's basically a microwave." The doctor said. "They pump in high frequency radio waves, which cause the particles inside you to vibrate and heat up, essentially cooking you."

"Great."

"Don't suppose there's any way out, then?" Rory asked.

"No, Rory, there isn't. There's that door, which they have closed, and if you notice, there isn't a handle on this side."

"Didn't hold out much hope, to be honest. Was worth a try." They all sank into silence again, solemn and scared of the end. However, Vince said:

"At least we can say we tried."

"What?" The doctor, who had sat down on the floor, looked up.

"I'm looking for the positives. We tried our hardest, didn't we?"

"Yeah. We did. And I can safely say that I've ruined their experiment."

"Why?"

"I'm not human. They'll get different results from me, and they won't know why."

"You look human…"

"Just a front. I'm a Gallifreyan, how else did you think I got a Tardis?"

"I don't know how you got one anyway."

"Hey, I know something good about this trip." Amy said.

"What's that?" The doctor replied.

"We met some new and interesting people."

"Yeah, and I found out that I can land the Tardis." Rory piped up. Vince looked at Howard.

"Howard? What about you?" Howard was silent for a minute. Finally he murmured:

"I found out that somebody does love me after all." He smiled and Vince hugged him tightly. Suddenly, they heard a loud buzzing noise.

"They've started it up." The doctor said sadly. "Been a pleasure."

"You too." Howard said. They braced themselves. The room quickly began to heat up, and soon they were sweating. Howard felt the edges of his vision start to blur. He was already supporting Vince, who was nearly unconscious. He sat down on the floor, carefully bringing Vince down with him. He had accepted he was going to die. It was no good fighting it. He began to close his eyes…

BANG.

The buzzing stopped and Howard opened his eyes again. The others were all similarly confused. Only Vince was unconscious. Suddenly, the door swung open, bringing in a rush of cold air. They were suspicious, but nothing else happened. No Quarks came to the door. The buzzing didn't continue. The doctor was the first up. He crept towards the door, looking out of it both ways along the corridor. He turned to them, shook his head, and walked out. Amy and Rory quickly followed, leaving Howard to pick Vince up awkwardly and carry him out. The doctor put a finger to his lips, motioning them to be quiet. Then he led them away from the 'microwave', not saying anything about the panel next to the door with all the wires ripped out. Suddenly, he stopped, causing Amy and Rory to run into him. Howard looked over his shoulder and saw a small Quark.

"No, no, no!" It was saying. "I'm not going to hurt you. I'm the one who broke the machine."

"Why would you do that for us?" The doctor demanded.

"Because this experiment has gone on for too long. I watched as they piled the Tribulions into that thing, and I realised that we aren't doing anything of value to science. We're killing for the sake of it, and I've had enough."

"Well, at least one of you has sense."

"Yes. We need to get to the control room now. I got your weapon back." It held out the screwdriver.

"Thank you. I better be able to trust you."

"You can. Now follow me." It advanced down the corridor, and they did as it asked. Soon, they arrived at another door like the one on the heating device.

"This is it?" The doctor asked.

"Yes. I'm going to wait out here. I don't want to get in the way of your weapon."

"Alright." He looked at Howard. "You'd better wait here too. Look after Vince, but be ready to run when I tell you to."

"Okay. Good luck." The doctor opened the door, and Howard laid Vince down on the ground.

"I saw him before they closed the door. Is he alright?" The Quark asked.

"You tell me. He passed out really quickly in there."

"Yes, the heat affects some people more. He should be fine after he's rested and rehydrated."

"Oh. Good."

"And the two of you are together?"

"Is it really that obvious?"

"Afraid so."

"Christ on a bike." There was a growl from the room behind them, and a smash. Then Howard heard the unmistakeable sound of the sonic screwdriver, three splats, and a bang. Amy shouted something and Howard picked up Vince, ready to run. Sure enough, the doctor ran past, yelling:

"Howard, run! Quark, thank you for the assistance!"

"It's my pleasure!" The Quark shouted back. They got one last glimpse of it waving before they dashed up the stairs towards the Tardis.

**One chapter left to go, folks! I'm going to miss this fic, despite the hell it has given me to write. It's all for you guys ;D**

**Reviews would be huuuugely appreciated! Much love x**


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: It's the final countdown! Oh, no, sorry, wrong thing. It's actually the final chapter :( Just a sort of thing picking up all the threads and knitting them together in the last few inches of a story-telling scarf. Oooh, metaphors. So, this is the end of this story, but never fear! Read to the end of the chapter and you will discover something... interesting...**

**Disclaimer: I am not a BBC executive! I own nothing!**

The doctor fumbled with the keys for a second before letting them all in. He led Howard down the stairs to the lower level of the Tardis, where there was a tatty old blue sofa.

"Put him down there." He said, helping Howard lay Vince out flat. "Right. Stand back." Howard obeyed and the doctor scanned Vince with the sonic screwdriver before studying it intensely.

"Well?" Howard said nervously. The doctor nodded.

"He'll be fine. He should wake up in, ooh, five minutes?"

"Oh, thank god. The Quark said he'd be fine, but I didn't know if it was telling the truth."

"Yes, it was. I need to get the Tardis going. I'll set her drifting until Vince wakes up, and then you're going home."

"Good. That's good. I mean, I've got nothing against you. Just the aliens."

"They aren't all bad. It's just that… some races believe that they're superior to everything else, and they want to destroy the inferior races. Think yourself lucky you never met the daleks."

"What are daleks?"

"You don't even want to know." He ran up the stairs and started to press buttons and pull levers on the Tardis control panel. The familiar noise started up, and Howard felt a slight sense of movement. Then it was quiet again, and he knew they were drifting. He sat on the floor next to the sofa, holding Vince's hand. He knew he would be alright now, but he still felt a slight unease. He was reassured slightly by the steady pulse he could feel beating through the arteries in his wrist. He leant on the sofa and closed his eyes. The whole situation had been a disaster. No matter how much fun the doctor could be, no matter the new friends they had found in Amy and Rory, no matter what they had found in each other. Howard wanted nothing more than home, the friendly scent of Naboo's current drug, whatever it happened to be, a good cup of coffee and a chat with Vince. Near death experiences were not a new thing for him, but he had had quite enough of them. He didn't want to experience death again until he was old and grey and ready to leave the world. Although, of course, knowing his luck, that wish was unlikely to be granted. Suddenly, Vince's hand twitched in his, and he turned around. Vince's eyes were rolling under their lids, like he was having a dream. He opened them quickly and his hand tightened around Howard's like it was his lifeline.

"What happened?" He asked shakily. Howard smiled, relieved that he was finally awake.

"You passed out in the machine. There was a little Quark, the one you saw, and it broke the thing, led us to the control room and let us escape. I had to carry you out."

"Bloody hell. I didn't miss a lot, did I?" Howard laughed.

"It wasn't that exciting. I missed you though."

"It would have been more exciting if I'd been there."

"Yeah." Vince sat up properly and they hugged.

"Were you scared, Howard?" He whispered.

"What?"

"When we were about to die. Did you feel scared?" Howard thought for a moment.

"No. You'd already collapsed and I knew that if you died, there was no point in me living anymore. I just accepted it."

"I was scared. I was worried that we might end up in different places when we died."

"What do you mean?"

"Like, if I went to hell and you went to heaven."

"Vince, why would you ever go to hell? You haven't done anything bad."

"Yeah, I have."

"Well… Not bad enough for hell, in any case."

"Fine."

"Come on, we'd better tell the doctor you're awake. Can you walk?"

"Think so." He got up and took a tentative step. "Yeah. Can you help me though?"

"Sure." Howard wrapped an arm around Vince's waist and they set off up the stairs. The doctor turned when he heard their footsteps.

"Vince!" He exclaimed. "You're alright, and that's fab, it really is. But we need to get you two home now."

"What? Do we have to?"

"Yes." The doctor turned serious. "Too many people die for me. Rory here has died for me, and let me tell you that losing him was not worth it, even if he did come back. You would not be so lucky. Rory and Amy are used to this, they've been with me a while. You two are inexperienced, and I'd hate to endanger you anymore. You nearly died here, all because we were feeling adventurous. The wrong turn, the wrong choice, it can kill you when you're with me. I'm sorry." He turned back to the controls and started typing in coordinates. Then he turned around again with a small smile on his face. "Anyway, why would you want to travel with us? An alien and two strangers?"

"Hey, we're not strangers." Amy said. "We've gotten to know each other."

"Oh, come along, Pond, they don't come much stranger than you."

"Oi!" Howard and Vince laughed, despite themselves. In reality, although Vince had enjoyed himself, he was relieved to be going home. Life was so much easier back in the flat, in the real world that actually made some semblance of sense. So he settled down to wait out the ten minute journey back to Earth.

They landed on the pavement just in front of Nabootique and the doctor opened the doors for them. They stopped to say goodbye to Amy and Rory. Howard shook hands with them both, with Rory saying a quick 'good luck' to him. Howard knew he meant Vince and blushed, but thanked him. As Vince was hugging Amy goodbye, she whispered in his ear:

"Look after him, mate, it looks like he needs it."

"Yeah, I will. And you look after him." He gestured at Rory.

"I have to, believe me. Have a good life. Maybe see you again someday."

"Yeah, maybe. See you." He joined Howard and they moved towards the doctor at the doors. He took them outside the Tardis.

"I'm sorry everything went so wrong." He said.

"Don't worry about it. We've been to hell and back before." Howard replied.

"By the look on your face I'm guessing you mean literally, and I don't even want to ask about that. The point is, I don't want to leave you two unprotected. No offence, but you both seem a bit… useless. So I've got something for you." He held out a small silver keyring.

"A car key?" Vince asked. He looked closer. "Volvo?"

"It looks like it, yes. However, it isn't a car key. This is a distress signal. If you ever need someone to help you, if you're in trouble or you suspect something's up, you press the button, and we'll be there."

"You mean… you'll come back?"

"If you need me. Don't call me for anything… boring, though. I can't stand boring."

"There's nothing boring around here, doctor. But we won't."

"Good." He handed the key to Howard and walked back into the Tardis. At the doors, he turned around. "Goodbye, you two. Oh, and sort your love life out. You're gonna need each other." He winked, walked into the Tardis and closed the door. Slowly, it faded away until they were left staring in silence at the boarded up shop across the road. Vince was leaning on Howard's shoulder and their arms were tight around each other. It was a perfect moment. Until Howard said:

"D'you know what, I've been craving coffee for a while. Shall I make some?" Vince considered for a second.

"Yeah. Can you make me a cup?"

"Yeah, sure. Come on, let's go inside. We can sort this mess out later."

"Mess? I wouldn't call us a mess."

"Well, we're not exactly organised."

"No, but this can happen without a problem." Vince stood on his tiptoes and kissed Howard enthusiastically. Howard was surprised at first, but he soon got into the swing of things and kissed him back just as happily. In the end, he broke off and said:

"Point proven." Vince grinned.

"Told you so." He said.

"Now, what about that coffee?"

***Gasp!* The scene is set for a possible sequel! The idea of that pleases me, but I have no idea how long it will be before I get around to it. Basically, I might do it when I have figured out some good ideas, _or _I might wait until the next series of Doctor Who, so that I can take into account some of the events that happen in it. Whenever it happens, I hope you enjoyed this story! :) :P :D ;D**

**Reviews are still hugely appreciated! Much love x**


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